Calling it Quits

Since nobody reads this, this post almost doesn't matter. Sometimes when I am online, I surf around other blogs and read other people's posts. Just personal blogs and all. I always come away thinking that most of these folks are amazingly self-obsessed. By nature, blogging is a me-me-me kind of thing and the posts from most of these bloggers are really just a lot of crap. Mountains of posts filled with banal ramblings of mediocre minds. People deluding themselves with New Age garbage and self-help claptrap. Adults typing lies into their laptops and posting them to the web as if the process somehow makes the misaligned hopes and dreams become reality. Some blogs are really amazing, of course. The few who are self-aware and who have the intellect, skill, and reason to craft each post in much the same way they might approach a journalistic effort or writing a novel even. The blogosphere is populated with some very interesting people writing interesting things - new perspectives and insights on life and its varied pursuits. But, the majority? Fucking bumbling idiots.

So, in realizing yet again how stupid most of the blogs are and how my own blog really isn't much better, I am considering a shutdown. Nobody is really reading this, so maybe my own selfish drivel should continue for its own selfish sake. Or, maybe I should just write it in my notebook and keep it to myself. Maybe a movement to not blog will spread and many of these people will simply stop chattering about themselves and their pathetic existences. They can go back to irritating their neighbors and relatives instead.

First Phase of Speed Work

I think I've completed my first full cycle of speedwork. I did hill repeats, 200s, and 400s, alternating the workouts each week for three months now. I tried to do fartlek and tempo runs on the weekends, but I didn't always follow a real plan when it came to those runs. Nevertheless, I think I definitely got some benefit out of all of this. I now need to determine what the best course of action for the rest of this year and the early part of next year is. I found a pretty rigorous 30 week plan that should get me in great shape for the National Marathon, but I'd need to get started on that in a few weeks. Before I do that, I'd like to run a few races to gauge my current capability. I've got a 20K lined up for August and a 5K in September, but I'm not really targeting those in my training other than hoping to get PRs in both. I've run 200 meters in 40 seconds, and 400 meters in 1:30. I'd like to drop those times across the board and I'd like to start including 800s in my speed workouts. I seem to have a tendency to run the second half of a repeat faster than the first part. I do the same thing for many of my runs, although I usually flip that behavior for longer distances. So, for example, when I do 6 or 8 miles, the return trip is usually faster. However, if I run a half marathon or more, the second half is almost always slower. This probably means I need more long distance training, which is something I haven't done much of this summer.

I need to do a race soon. I'm getting antsy not having a recent performance to determine where I'm at in my training. I might run one of the cheap and no-frills 5ks that the running clubs around here hold. $5 or something, no shirt, no ChampionChip timing. But, it will give me competition and provide a good opportunity to just run my ass off for 20 minutes.

I know almost nobody reads these posts, but I don't care. Nobody wants to hear me talk about running, so this is all I've got.

Fantasizing about the Future

I recently read about a woman who turned herself into an Olympic-caliber marathon runner. She wasn't a runner, then ran her first marathon around a 3:45, and then spent the next year training like mad. She dropped an entire hour from her marathon time, getting herself in under the cutoff to qualify for the Olympic marathon trials.

To me, this is simply amazing. To shave an hour off in one year seems absurd. I can't even begin to imagine how she did it other than with massive amounts of motivation and commitment. I can't help but wonder, though, if I'd be able to do something similar. Even if it took two or three years, I wonder if it is possible. I wonder if I have the basic goods in my genetic makeup to turn my body into an Olympic marathon machine. The cutoff for men is 2:22 for Grade "B", so I have serious doubts I'd be able to make it. That would represent cutting an hour and twenty minutes from my current marathon time. I think I'll cut off close to 30 minutes by the time I run another marathon, but I can't be certain about that. And, even if I did, how the heck would I cut the next 50 minutes from my performance?


I'm not sure how much more effort above what I'm putting in now would be required to do something like this. I'm running, or trying to run, six days a week and I'm trying to get to a point where I consistently run 50+ mpw. But, since cracking the 50 mile mark, I've been in a tailspin with my training plans. I crashed and burned for 5 straight days because I just couldn't get my tired ass out of bed. With the extra rest, I did have an awesome track workout this past Saturday, though. But, I followed that up by blowing off my long run on Sunday morning. I made it out for a decent six miles yesterday, but again couldn't get up this morning for my run.

Race Registration

Well, I screwed up a bit and ended up missing the 5K/10K season for the first half of the year. I did one race, but wanted a few more to gauge improvement and I just never registered for any. That just means I'll have to uncork a whopper of a performance on 9/16. That day is the PVI Runfest 5k, a local race billed as the fastest 5K around. I plan on finding out. I'm not sure if it is possible, but I may as well set the bar high for myself - I want to break 21 minutes in a 5K. That would be around a 6:45/mi pace. Wish me luck.

Obsessed with Death

Since Eva's death, I find myself spending inordinate amounts of time thinking about the deaths of other people who are important to me. When I'm in the car or running, times when I am all alone, I can't help but think about my wife and children dying. I think about getting a call from the police because they were in a horrible car accident or of watching my son get hit by a car. During my run this morning, I began to think about the possibility that I would come home to find my son lying dead in his bed. He had a bug bite on his foot yesterday and he had some trouble sleeping last night, so I put the two together and wondered if he hadn't been bit by some poisonous spider or something. I told myself it was a ridiculous thought, but it was there in my head all the same. Needless to say, I was very relieved to hear his breathing the moment I walked into his room.

I think about finding out, I think about how I would feel, I think about what I would have to do. And, I think a lot about how I would move on or not. I don't know what value would be left to my life if something like this happened and I have a very hard time thinking there would be much point in living afterward. Should I just kill myself immediately or wait until I've given them all a proper memorial?

I guess I mostly seem to think about losing all of them. Less than that and it is easy to figure out what to do because there is someone to live for; a reason to go on. It is as if I am trying to figure out what scenarios exist in which it is okay for me to just kill myself, as if I don't really want to be here at all at this point and only stick around due to my responsibilities. I don't think that is true, but I don't know much anymore. I did begin to think that I could find new meaning in my life if I was to do something like run or bike across the country. I don't know if there would be a point, per se, other than to have something to do and to keep me focused on a goal in the future. Thinking about reaching the end of a trip like that might be enough to keep my mind off of the fact that the rest of my would be spent without my family.