Stuff I Never Thought Before

This is a list of things that were in my head at some point since Eva's death:

1. Wishing I was dead instead of her.
2. Wanting to punch myself in the face. For real and not from frustration.
3. That medicating away pain and emotion seems like a decent option.
4. That I'd like to kill Randy, a nurse in the NICU. Or the anesthesiologist that was in the OR for Eva's first surgery.
5. That it isn't a big deal if I stop eating.
6. Maybe if I stop eating, I can simply disappear.
7. Wanting to drive my car into a telephone pole.
8. That I'm not depressed, even though I have no idea what real depression feels like.
9. Like I can't cry.
10. Fear that I will never feel okay again.