Yes, I Know

It has been a long time since writing and I don't have a great excuse. I have lots of things to say, but I've not found the urge to get over here and put thoughts to code. It is because I feel like there are always better things to do. But, it is also because I think I've been self censoring a bit. I figure that some people I know might read this and I don't want to write anything that will make them think anything negative about me. It is easy to blog when you can be anonymous. But, once you are found, it is hard to just say whatever you want to say.

Today was Noah's first day at his new school. Despite having a horrible weekend with him, behavior wise, he was great this morning and I feel good about how his time there will go. He woke me up this morning, reminding me that it was his first day, and told me how excited he was to get started. He was also very excited about his bookbag and getting to wear it around. It must be great to be a little kid, man. Getting excited about a bookbag? Ah, how I wish that was enough for me at this point in my life.

It is great that he loves school. Audrey and I consider his feelings toward school and learning to be one of our greatest responsibilities as parents. In fact, the true responsibility is to create an environment in which he can express his desires and focus his attention in productive ways. School is part of that, book reading is part of that, music is part of that, even sports are part of that. And, for the first time this weekend, I saw evidence of what happens when I push him too hard. Relatively speaking, this wasn't a big deal, but it gave me pause all the same. Noah just started co-ed teeball, another thing that he is very excited about. After his first practice last week, we picked up a teeball set and some balls so that he and I could practice basic skills on our own. After Saturday's deluge, we all went out Sunday morning looking for a park and some space to play. After we found a place and we set up the teeball equipment, Noah proceeded to hack away. But, the discipline he has shown when we've played wiffle ball was nowhere to be found. Instead, his stance was haphazard, he held the bat funny, and he just kept wacking the teeball stand. I admit I got a little stern with him, but it was because I know he knows how to position himself to swing the bat. After straightening him out a few times, I tried to make the point that he needs to hit the ball and not the tee. When he knocked it down again and the tee came apart, I got irritated with him. And, in response, he said that he didn't want to practice anymore and that he'd rather just play on the playground. Serves me right for being too much of a hardass. I'm not looking for perfection. I just don't want to have to keep picking things up and putting them back together. But, I need to accept that he doesn't have much control yet, so this is par for the course. In any case, I won't be such a ballbreaker next time. I don't want to turn teeball or baseball into something that he hates because it seems like Daddy always gets mad at him.