Monday, July 02, 2007

Obsessed with Death

Since Eva's death, I find myself spending inordinate amounts of time thinking about the deaths of other people who are important to me. When I'm in the car or running, times when I am all alone, I can't help but think about my wife and children dying. I think about getting a call from the police because they were in a horrible car accident or of watching my son get hit by a car. During my run this morning, I began to think about the possibility that I would come home to find my son lying dead in his bed. He had a bug bite on his foot yesterday and he had some trouble sleeping last night, so I put the two together and wondered if he hadn't been bit by some poisonous spider or something. I told myself it was a ridiculous thought, but it was there in my head all the same. Needless to say, I was very relieved to hear his breathing the moment I walked into his room.

I think about finding out, I think about how I would feel, I think about what I would have to do. And, I think a lot about how I would move on or not. I don't know what value would be left to my life if something like this happened and I have a very hard time thinking there would be much point in living afterward. Should I just kill myself immediately or wait until I've given them all a proper memorial?

I guess I mostly seem to think about losing all of them. Less than that and it is easy to figure out what to do because there is someone to live for; a reason to go on. It is as if I am trying to figure out what scenarios exist in which it is okay for me to just kill myself, as if I don't really want to be here at all at this point and only stick around due to my responsibilities. I don't think that is true, but I don't know much anymore. I did begin to think that I could find new meaning in my life if I was to do something like run or bike across the country. I don't know if there would be a point, per se, other than to have something to do and to keep me focused on a goal in the future. Thinking about reaching the end of a trip like that might be enough to keep my mind off of the fact that the rest of my would be spent without my family.

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