Today is Naomi and Eva's first birthday. We don't have much planned for Naomi, but I think that is mostly because we don't have the free time to plan and that Audrey and I just aren't sure how to celebrate the child that lived while also honoring the child that died.
We can have a small party for Naomi this weekend. She'll get cake and ice cream, we'll blow out a candle and give her presents, and we can look back on the photos we'll inevitably take and remember it as a happy time. But, today, I can't be happy and I don't know how to navigate this day well.
I started out missing her without really knowing her. Then I missed her and all of the moments I figured that we'd lost, the unknown knowing. Now, thanks to having had a year of moments with Naomi, I miss her for both of those things and for the knowing that seems so close to having been real. I can hold Naomi and know what it would be like to hold Eva as well.
Most days, I am just angry. Not that I feel angry or that I walk around behaving angrily, but that deep down what I mostly feel is anger about what happened to Eva. I often fantasize about having something terrible happen again, possibly to Audrey or the kids, and being able to take out my anger as a direct response this time around. I think about witnessing what is left of my family getting injured in a car accident and being able to physically attack the person who is responsible. But, today, I don't feel like attacking anyone. I just want to go back to the PICU and stare at the bed she was in.