Friday, November 05, 2010

Instantaneous Kneecapping

I think I am mostly over the loss of my daughter, but I think it is just as likely that I never really began grieving in the first place - I just moved on because it felt like somebody had to. So, it should really come as no surprise that I can be moved back to that time, what it felt like to have the future hanging in the balance or to simply spend every waking moment wanted to be dead, by something as simple as an image or a song. There are even sensations and smells that can do it - the rush I feel when cold water hits my face reminds me of the moment when they put a bag of ice on Eva's face to get her heart rate to drop. I look forward to a lifetime of having every early shower remind me of my dead child, by the way.

In any case, just a song and I'm on my emotional knees, hoping to vanish before the song is over. There is no safe place to go, no desire to run home or to a beautiful hilltop. I guess I mostly want to get under the covers, but I really just want to be by her bedside again.

No comments: