Gaining Some Perspective

I can't sleep much and I think my health has been suffering a bit due to the amount of stress I'm dealing with these days. Work, the kids, etc. Sometimes it helps to put things in perspective, though. It occurs to me that my life is "better" in the basic, measurable qualities than almost every person on the planet. In the vacuum of the upper income suburbs of a major American city, it seems like this life is only average. But, it isn't. It might be what we've all come to expect, but almost nobody else has a shot at this life. And, even more absurd is that my life is appreciably "better" than the life experienced by almost every other human being ever born. More security, more leisure time, better long-term health, longer life, better education, etc. Perfect? No. Any happier? Maybe not. Less that is worth worrying about? Yes, and that is my point.

It doesn't make me feel any better, really, but at least I tried.

Lost Focus

I haven't run in a few weeks now. Long story, but my right knee didn't seem to like me very much. So, I've bagged on races, including a marathon this coming weekend, and I'm beginning to feel aimless all the time. If I don't have a set schedule, I just kind of mess around. I wish I could get back on the roads again. It has kept me sane over the past year and I feel like my head is awash in confusion and exhaustion without it. I find myself thinking about Eva more now and I don't have an outlet for what I am feeling.

I need to be distracted again. Anything.

Is it Wednesday?

3/6/2008

Today is Naomi and Eva's first birthday. We don't have much planned for Naomi, but I think that is mostly because we don't have the free time to plan and that Audrey and I just aren't sure how to celebrate the child that lived while also honoring the child that died.

We can have a small party for Naomi this weekend. She'll get cake and ice cream, we'll blow out a candle and give her presents, and we can look back on the photos we'll inevitably take and remember it as a happy time. But, today, I can't be happy and I don't know how to navigate this day well.

I started out missing her without really knowing her. Then I missed her and all of the moments I figured that we'd lost, the unknown knowing. Now, thanks to having had a year of moments with Naomi, I miss her for both of those things and for the knowing that seems so close to having been real. I can hold Naomi and know what it would be like to hold Eva as well.

Most days, I am just angry. Not that I feel angry or that I walk around behaving angrily, but that deep down what I mostly feel is anger about what happened to Eva. I often fantasize about having something terrible happen again, possibly to Audrey or the kids, and being able to take out my anger as a direct response this time around. I think about witnessing what is left of my family getting injured in a car accident and being able to physically attack the person who is responsible. But, today, I don't feel like attacking anyone. I just want to go back to the PICU and stare at the bed she was in.

Right...Well...Updates?

It has been a month or so since I last wrote. Life has a way of quickly getting out of control and we, or at least I, have to start letting go of anything that isn't really important. Blogging is nice, but it isn't nice enough that I want to sacrifice sleep or not get work done in order to accomplish it. If I can fit it in, great. But, if not, as has often been the case lately, well...then a blog can get very boring and stale.

But, it is time to refresh! I will separate the new posts around topics since it will be hard to make one cogent post about running, work, and daycare. First, on the running front...

My training was going very well. I had a pretty crappy race back on 12/31 in which I didn't feel or run very well. It was a 5K double loop race around the GMU campus and it shouldn't have been too bad. But, it started late in the day and I guess I hadn't prepared very well. In any case, I was tired and I had a really nagging pain in my left thigh, which didn't really disappear during the race. The crowd was thick and I had to work hard to get around a number of folks only to then need to use more energy to climb a few hills. I did pick up some speed on the downhill section of the course, but it wasn't enough. My neighbor ran the race with me, caught me on the downhill, and took off with about half a mile to go. He ran out of gas and cruised at the end, but I also ran out as I tried to catch up to him and just couldn't. So, in the end, it was rather disappointing. I don't mind losing to my neighbor, though. He is skinny and has more speed than me - the guy claims he ran a 4:xx mile in high school. And, I know I can kill him at long distance since he has no aerobic base at all. But, it isn't even about that. It is about the fact that these 5Ks have all been disappointments. I ran a great 5K last September and had a very nice PR and have done nothing but fall further and further from that mark in every race since. It makes me question whether I have any idea what I am doing and whether I have any talent for this whatsoever. I can do the work, but I sometimes wonder if I'll ever see the results. I try to tell myself that I am running so much right now that my body isn't going to be able to perform for any races until the end of this cycle. I keep reminding myself that I am training for a marathon, not a 5K, and that I will do well once I've done the training and let myself taper properly. But, I also know that when I last trained for a marathon, I had a few days and a few races in which I beat my expectations and felt very confident that I was on the right track. Not so this time around, which has been very disheartening. Most runs are a chore and I feel tired before, during, and after. Once in a while I do have a good run and come back feeling like I am where I need to be, but those are too few to be a strong source of motivation. I guess the only thing that keeps me going right now is that I believe that the training will bear fruit if I just keep working at it.

I was working at it too. I was hitting 50+ miles per week and then hit 60+ miles a week with a high of 66 not too long ago. I was doing speedwork and strides and long runs and the whole bit. Then, I dropped a 20 mile run this past Sunday because my head was killing me. I don't know if it was a sinus headache or stress related, but I felt like hell all day. I figured I could make it up this coming weekend and I didn't feel too bad since I'd still run 45 miles last week. I didn't run Monday for a number of reasons, but I did get good runs in on Tuesday and Wednesday at the gym. And then, during the commute home, I realized that my left ankle was really bothering me. The pain increased throughout the evening, although I had no swelling of any kind. It was sharp and my ankle was stiff, but the pain was localized in the front and hurt more for certain movements. I took Aleve to reduce any inflammation and I haven't run once since. I am concerned that I may have tendonitis, but at least that is easily cured with rest. I am not happy that the wheels have come off my training this week, but I am hopeful I can get it back on track soon. Maybe a light week is really all I need. Wish me luck.

Quick Running Update

I have another race report to post, but it isn't that exciting. In brief, I ran another 5K with my neighbor. I felt like crap before and after and only felt okay during the run. But, I'll write a more detailed report soon. In the meantime, I am well into marathon training and I am very happy with how things are going. I feel slow and I worry about my goal pace, but it is early yet. I've only missed one day of running so far due to illness and I had to cut back on mileage one day as well. But, I am ahead of plan so far and I've run a ton of miles the past four weeks. A ton for me, anyways. I've averaged over 50 miles per week (not sure what the exact number is) and I ran 61 miles last week, which is a new weekly high for me. And, I did it with an 18 miler in some frigid-ass weather this past Sunday. My hands got so cold that I had to stop mid-run to warm them. I stuck them in my crotch and kneeled down for almost ten minutes, allowing them to warm up and for the severe pain to go away. It was somewhat brutal, to the point where my gatorade basically began to freeze in my bottle. Not a good sign, I imagine. I just hope the weather warms up a bit soon because I'd like to avoid going to the gym, if I can.

Family News

This is an easy post. Just some updates on the really important stuff. First, Naomi has had some big events in her life recently. She's gotten her first tooth and is working on another. And, she is finally crawling. She was moving around by going backwards, turning in circles, and rolling. But, she finally figured out how to crawl forward to get at the objects or people she wants. And, she is getting much stronger and is able to stand up on her own for a long period of time, using something like a windowsill or activity table to hold onto. As for Noah, tomorrow is his 4th birthday, and I think he might lose his mind in anticipation. This is a big deal to him, as it should be, and we've done a good job of teasing him about it. He has no idea how many awesome presents he is about to receive.

PVTC Christmas Caper 5k

So, my neighbor has decided to start running. Steve is a few years younger than me, but we get along pretty well and our families do too. His son and Noah play together and he and his wife have an infant that is basically the same age as Naomi. So, it kind of works out. They live just a few houses from us too, so it is very convenient. Except for the whole "youth pastor at a charismatic church" thing. That is correct. He is the youth pastor for a church that believes in living prophets and glossolalia, otherwise known as speaking in tongues. He hasn't told me all of this, but the beauty of the internet is that I can find all of this out and never have to ask him about it. Because if I brought it up, it might make for a very weird and uncomfortable conversation. But I digress...

So, Steve and I have started running together in the mornings. It has been a real help to me because it gives me the motivation to get up and out the door, something I've always had a problem with. Steve wanted to do a race together, so we signed up for the last PVTC race for the year, the Christmas Caper 5K/10K. It was at Belle Haven Park again and was the exact same route as the Cranberry Crawl 5K/10K. I like these races because they are cheap, small, and easy to get to. And, as you can imagine, the basic experience was the same. Weather was similar, old guy who you can't hear announcing the race was there, and the same group of old school folks in ratty clothes and with their strange running gaits all showed up.

I came in third in my age group, or so I thought. They had me in third on the results sheet at the race, so I rightfully took home a big stinky candle. But, on the website, they have me listed as fourth. So, I don't know where the mix-up was or which list to believe, but it doesn't really matter. I ran a bit slower this time, but I felt a bit better in doing so. No bad shin splint feeling and my hands didn't hurt from the cold. Besides, I'm sure as heck not going to drive over to Alexandria to return a freaking candle. How'd Steve do? A lot better than I did at my first 5K. He finished about 30 secs behind me and immediately decided he wanted to do more races.


PVTC Christmas Caper 5k Bib #347
Alexandria, VA
December 22, 8:00 am

Time: 22:48
Overall Place: 26/82
Gender Place: 19/49
Pace: 7:20

You Might Be An A-Hole If...

You think it makes sense to spend $15,000 on a marathon in Antarctica. Believe me, I like the marathon and all. But, the egocentrism that drives one to feel a need to run one on every continent or to "brave the elements" of Antarctica is high-quality asshole-edness, in my opinion. Just shitty, first world, self-centered nonsense. The kind of activity and behavior that is rewarded in our society, but that doesn't take away from the fact that it largely says that you have lots of extra cash around and that you have a burning desire to make yourself seem interesting. Personally, I think there are about 15,000 things better to do with that money. And, running a marathon in sub-zero temperatures can't do anything to make you any less of a bore. You might have a good story to tell, but isn't the whole point for you to just have more stories to tell about yourself? Yeah, that is what being a bore is all about.

Killing Religion with Logic

Well, it certainly seems possible, doesn't it? If we are all rational creatures and willing to employ logic in efforts to discern the existence of God and the nature of the universe, then wouldn't it at least be possible to disprove all of the core beliefs of religion? Okay, at least monotheistic religion?

In an attempt to do so, let's consider two things. First, that the inability to physically disprove that God exists does not mean that God does exist. The inverse is true as well - we can't prove that God exists, but that does not mean that God does not exist. However, if we can neither prove or disprove and the inability do either doesn't affirm either position, what is left? Outisde of Pascal's Wager, of course. I answer this question by using the K.I.S.S. principle - Keep It Simple, Stupid. It is simpler to have a God or to have no God? Does it make more sense that God exists or that there are basic laws and explainable, scientific reasons for everything? I think the simpler answer is the latter. None of this kills religion, of course. It is really just opinion, but I think that fact that we cannot prove something is either proof that it does not exist or a sign that we simply don't have the appropriate tools yet. And, does it really seem like a lack of tools when it comes to proving whether God exists or not? What tools could we possibly need? God cannot be something that does not conform to the laws of the universe - God would almost have to be a law of the universe. So, if this is true and God exists, we should be able to measure this at some point. Absurd, right? So, I ask again, what is the simplest explanation?

Another question that I like to ponder, and one that has definitely plagued theologians over time, is the issue of omnipresence. God must be omnipresent, right? I mean, if God isn't omnipresent then God isn't really God. Would God not be in all places all the time? Is God a being that has a great deal of power, but is forced to travel around from place to place? If not omnipresent, then how could God be omniscient? Omniscience raises other issues too, but I don't think one even needs to discuss omniscience since you can reveal the absurdity of God simply by logically analyzing the concept of omnipresence. Okay, so if God is omnipresent, then that means that God is everywhere, including places where evil occurs. God would even have to be in Hell itself since Hell, assuming it exists, is a place and God must be in all places in order to be omnipresent. And, really, what would God be doing in Hell? Again, taking these concepts to their logic extremes shows how ridiculous the whole concept of God is in the first place. What I think is most compelling and most difficult to handle for most believers is the idea that God is in places where evil occurs and that God does nothing to stop it. A great example of this dilemma was summed up by Vicar Tom Honey in a talk at TED. Take a few minutes and watch his speech:



So, while the Vicar can't just renounce his faith and admit that there is no God, he sure comes close, doesn't he? God is everywhere or not. If not, why serve God in the first place since God doesn't have complete control? If so, why does God allow so much suffering and evil to occur? And, if God does allow suffering and evil to occur, why serve God? Does God truly love us or is God simply playing with us? Or, it there just no God at all? By now, you certainly know my answer.

Is Suburbia Actually Hell on Earth?

It might be if you listen to popular culture. It is also heaven if you listen to popular culture. Pundits and intellectuals attack it, historians and politicians applaud it. Rock stars complain about it and country stars pretend it is something more rural than it is. All I know is that I mostly love it, but that I feel very guilt living in it. I know that suburbia is the center of our overly consumptive lifestyles. I know that it would be far more environmentally friendly to cluster in more urban areas. I know that suburbia creates an existential crisis for many who feel disconnected in ways that they are incapable of understanding. But, it still seems like a wonderful middle ground between the cities and the country. I can have my little homestead, but still have lots of services. I can take advantage of large clusters of people in that we can have good restaurants and parks and schools, but I don't have to share a structure with strangers.

I think the suburbs may be wrong for a great number of people - it just isn't the right environment for them and they'd suffer if they lived there. But, for me, I think it is exactly the right place.

Pascal's Wager

Simply put, I think this is one of the most bullshit statements I've ever heard. The basic idea is that you cannot ever know whether God exists or not. So, you have to choose to believe or to not believe. But, in choosing, you are really making a bet. You either bet that God is real or that God is not real. If you bet that God is real and you are right, well, you hit the jackpot. If you bet that God is real and you are wrong, you don't lose too much (I think you actually lose quite a bit). If you bet that God is not real and you are right, you don't win much (this I also disagree with). And, if you bet that God is not real and you are wrong, well, you are totally fucked for all eternity. So, according to Pascal, you have to bet that God exists because it is the better overall play.

Yes, so, I have a lot of issues with this basic idea. I get it and appreciate the attempt at reasoning out the best overall outcome, but it is still a load of crapola because it doesn't incorporate all the costs. A life of belief in God and all that it requires to hold true to those beliefs, is a life filled with time and energy and thought that could be better applied to other pursuits...much better pursuits. Belief in God takes an enormous toll, particularly on the true believers. The money and time invested in a church, the neverending bible study, the avoidance of all that seems remotely inappropriate or unacceptable. Not to mention all the terror and injustice that has been carried out by individuals who truly believed that God supported their actions.

So, we are incapable of reasoning out the existence and nature of God. Therefore, we must bet on the likelihood of God's existence in the first place. Of course, we are also making some grand assumptions about God's promises and what happens to us in eternity. I mean, the bet kind of breaks apart if we know that heaven isn't much better than living on Earth, don't we? If we know there is a heaven, then we'd know there was a God...ah, this can get very hard. Anyways, we are trying to make this simple.

If we more accurately balance the scales, I think the bet is even.

In the end, what I find so frustrating is that we all know we can't prove that God exists. So those that do believe use this ridiculously simple wager, even those that don't know about Pascal, to decide that they should believe in God. It may be the safe bet, but it is the sucker's bet too.

Some Other Things I Think

In no particular order...

1. We are not the only life in the universe. To be more specific, we are not the only sentient beings in the universe. I have no proof, but I believe this to be true based on the sheer probabilities.

2. We are not the most advanced life in the universe. Somewhere, somebody is more evolved than us. I'm not saying they fly over here in little ships, but we will likely run into each other at some point in the future.

3. We are one of many lifeforms that are moving in a direction that will enable us to communicate with each other. I think it will be well past my lifetime when we have proof, but I think we will eventually run into several other types of beings.

4. There is a good chance that one of the other sentient beings in the universe is artificial. If so, this is very bad news for us, in my opinion.

5. I don't really believe that this is the current state of affairs, but I do think it is possible that a form of artificial intelligence has gained the ability to control the fundamental nature of the universe. And, that this AI is so advanced that it may have even created the universe that we live in today. While I don't believe in God, an AI like this would certainly qualify.

6. I think that we have a good chance of creating an AI that achieves control of the universe. We won't birth the final being, but we will produce the Adam & Eve. In a sense, we already have. To put this all another way, I am convinced of the likelihood that humanity will reach the technological singularity within my lifetime.

7. I do not believe that there are absolute morals of any kind. Therefore, artificial intelligence that evolves outside of our influence will likely have no regard for what we hold to be true or "right". Again, this is bad for us.

Just some stuff I think about sometimes.

One or the Other

I was just thinking that it is definitely possible that life has no meaning at all. Certainly not in the New Agey sense that most people think of when considering that question. And I don't mean that a lack of meaning equals depression and all that. Life may have no meaning and there may be little purpose outside of the obvious biological needs. We could be no more than vehicles for the next generation, which would be a meaning of sorts, but even that is a farce, isn't it? Why procreate if there is no real point? What if the current state of life, all across the universe, is a well-balanced version of meaninglessness that just perpetuates itself?

Sure, there are laws of nature and all. And we know about gravity and have good theories about how the solar system formed and even how life evolved. But, laws don't equate with meaning and purpose. The laws in our nation don't give our nation purpose. If anything, the purpose or meaning of the United States should dictate what laws are passed and enforced, although we have a funny way of selling out the core ideals we all supposedly adhere to and believe in when it comes to the law. So, is there then a meaning that has dictated the laws of the physical universe? Is it simply an issue of this purpose at the center of everything only being realized with the addition of layer upon layer of complexity in how reality is constructed?

Does the act of reproduction and evolution suggests that there is some sort of purpose. If you think that it does, then asking what that purpose is is totally valid and you'd be remiss not to try and figure it out. Me? I think there isn't one. I think that our existence is a product of probabilities. The universe had enough time to finally align itself in a way that produced life and life began to then evolve on its own. But, with all the evolution, all the creation and extinction, only one lifeform has shown up here to even ask this question in the first place. Shouldn't everything in the universe share in the same core purpose, if there was one? Wouldn't the meaning be the same everywhere? And, again, if everything needed to be here in order to meet whatever the end goal is, then why would there be so much extraneous stuff? Why would the process be so inefficient? Why not just go straight to making humans and getting them on the fast path to whatever enlightened state they are supposed to achieve?

So, really, there is no meaning. There is no outward or expressed reason for us to here, but we are and we may as well make the most of it, for whatever that is worth.

Glutton for Punishment

So, I've done it. I've gone and signed up for my next marathon. It is a double-double loop course, which could be enjoyable or totally, excruciatingly boring. What I mean is that it is an out and back course that you repeat, so I will pass the same spots four times in my effort to complete 26.2 miles. It is on a trail along the Potomac River, so it could be a great experience if the weather is nice that day. But, if it isn't, or there is too much stuff going on in the surrounding area, I might want to quit well before I reach the end. I guess the key is to forget about the marathon's environment and to just run the miles. I'd like to make some real headway on my quest to qualify for Boston, so I am hoping for a 3:20 or better. If I was going to set three goals, my "reach" would be 3:15, my target would be 3:20, and my "won't cry as long as I do this" would be to break 3:30. What I learned in my first marathon training cycle was that the target I had at the beginning was only related to my fitness level at the moment I started the training. I had hoped for a 4:00, but I realized as I was training that I was building the capacity to do much better than that. So, towards the end, when I ran a better than expected race at the Army Ten Miler (a performance that I hadn't even rested for), I knew that I would be able to do much better than I had originally thought. It is with this in mind that I am setting these three goals. I am pretty sure that I am in 3:20-3:25 shape right now. My recent race performances suggest that anyways. And, since I am going to do some pretty serious training over the next several months, using a training program that is much more rigorous than the one I used last time, I figure that my abilities come the day of the marathon will be higher than they are today. With all that said, I still don't think I am going to qualify for Boston this time around. It is a shame, but I am giving myself until the end of 2008 before I start to feel bad about it. With a strong marathon in the first half of the year, I will then have time for another marathon training cycle and a shot at qualifying for Boston with a fall race.

People ask me why I want to qualify for Boston. Heck, some people ask me why I train for races in the first place. It isn't like I'm going to make the Olympics or ever win a bunch of money or anything like that. I might be able to get myself to be pretty competitive in my age group, but that is about the best I think I can achieve. Truth is, though, that doesn't matter. I am not really competing against any other runners...I'm just competing with myself. I don't need to lower my cholesterol or lose lots of weight or get back in shape, so what is it that I can use to motivate myself to get out and run? I use races as motivation and I strive to run faster at every single race I enter. I don't always do that and there are lots of reasons why, but I try to train to be better at every race and it is my hope that I run a personal best every time I lace up and take off with the pack. I have friends that just run for fun and that never enter races. They think it is kind of nutty that I plan out my running and create a training plan for myself. I wish I could run 5-6 times week without looking towards a race, but it just doesn't work for me. Without a race, it is just too easy for me to let myself slide on my exercise. I think I'll be entering races for a very long time.

And, speaking of races, I plan on running a fair number of them in the run up to the marathon. I want to hone my racing skills and I want to include as much motivation in this plan as reasonable. So, here is my tentative race schedule leading up to the marathon:

Christmas Caper 5K/10K
MADD Red Ribbon Run 5K
GW Birthday Classic 10K
Burke Lake 12K
LAWS Half Marathon
GW Parkway Classic 10 Miler

I haven't signed up for all of these yet, but I intend to do so. If you want to run with me, let me know and we can coordinate. We can even sign up as a team for some of them. I will hit some more races in the summer as well, but I haven't decided on any yet since the listings aren't out. there is some wacky endurance run in Rocky Gap, MD that I am interested, but I don't have any details. If you are into the idea of a 6 hour trail relay run, let me know.

PVTC Cranberry Crawl 5k

I ran this race on a bit of a whim. My pal Jon and I were looking for a race to do near Thanksgiving and this fit the bill nicely. The location was in between our homes and the price was just right - $5. No t-shirt, no ChampionChip, no fancy after party. Just a good old-fashioned road race. I want a few goodies now and then, but the no frills races are nice too. Low key, smaller turnout, and a bit of a seasoned crowd. The runners aren't necessarily faster or better than you find in the bigger races, but they are much more old school for the most part and I can really appreciate that.

So, in the wee hours of a cold Saturday morning, I put on some ratty running gear and meet Jon over at Belle Haven Park for this thing. I did get some coffee before leaving the house, of course. I can't run a race without coffee. Well, I can't do anything in the morning without a big cup of coffee.

The race crowd was on the small side and we couldn't tell who was running the 5k or the 10k (both races started at the same time and you just turned around early if you were running the 5k). The race director, or at least the old guy announcing things, was hard to hear and really made no attempt to speak up. So, Jon and I gathered in the start area only because we saw everybody else doing it. And, we only started running because everybody else started running. The race went down a paved, two lane path, with just enough room for three people or so across. And, even though there was a race going on, they didn't close off access to the path to other people, so it was a bit of a challenge to stay on our side of the path and still make headway through the pack of runners ahead of me. I ran until I found my spot between a few runners and just kept going. I felt okay to the turnaround, but I could tell I didn't have much gas and I couldn't hold a sub 7:00 pace through the run back to the start. I didn't care too much, frankly, since I didn't expect much from this race and was just doing it for fun. And, as I closed in on the finish, I realized there just wasn't anyone around me. So, since I couldn't catch anyone and nobody was going to catch me, I didn't even bother to run hard. And for my mediocre effort, I still did alright.

I hung around waiting for Jon and then we proceeded to say fairly negative things about the racewalkers whenever they were out of earshot. Yes, we are jerks. But you have to admit that racewalking is pretty ridiculous.

Did I mention it was cold? My hands hurt because I had no damn gloves and my lungs were just burning at the end. As Jon put it, we could just taste the blood. When I run hard in cold weather, I often have to cough for a long time after. But, as the winter continues, I get acclimated to the cold and it doesn't bother me anymore. I just need to keep running outside.

In the end, it was a nice race and a good way to kickoff the holiday week that was coming up. Not a PR, but my first "win" of sorts. I placed second in my age group, 30-39, and walked away with a cranberry walnut bread from Bloom. The sticker on the bread said $4.99, so I almost made back my $5 registration fee. I'd call that a pretty fair deal. And you can now refer to me as the Cranberry Crawl 5k 30-39 Runner-up, if you please.

PVTC Cranberry Crawl 5k Bib #169
Alexandria, VA
November 17, 8:00 am

Time: 22:37
Overall Place: 13/57
Gender Place: 8/28
Pace: 7:17

Small Note

I have many things to post, but I don't have the time for all of them right now. What I do want to record is what might be a big day for Noah, developmentally. Maybe this is nothing, but it seems pretty important to me.

Our little family was sitting around the kitchen table this morning. A little snacking and other stuff. Noah was drawing on a piece of paper. I figured he was just doing his usual doodling or practicing his letters or something like that. He likes to write out his name too. Well, in any case, I heard his say "M-O-M" and then he showed his paper to Audrey. Lo and behold, Noah has written "Mom". That is the first time, at least to my knowledge, that Noah was written any word other than his own name. He knows how to spell cat and dog, but I don't think he has written them on his own yet. Of course, Audrey and I were really excited and praised him a great deal. Since I was sitting next to him, he turned to me, held up his palm, and said "Give me a high five, Dad". And I did.

Master of Bullcrap Artistry

I think that it is might be absolutely true to say that MBAs are completely bullshit and that only chumps bother getting them. I mean, I don't really know this for sure and I'm never going to pursue one, but I have seen a lot of evidence to suggest that business schools and the folks that study in them are just well-scrubbed bringers of death. The absolutely soulless pursuits that MBA grads seem to so often pursue just seem so amoral as to be immoral. You know, the idea that valuing profit growth or increased productivity seems to be an amoral one on its face, but I think that is actually an immoral one when you consider the structural incompatibility of many corners of our economy with real morals, like social justice and freedom of speech and, oh, like equal rights and crazy stuff like that.

I am thinking about this because I had lunch with a former coworker today. She is really cool and a lot of fun. She's very intelligent and unique and one of those people who is easy to like and hard to forget. And yet, this really interesting person is now a milquetoast consultant at Accenture and will soon leave that job to go get her MBA. When I asked her why, she told me that she really enjoys strategic management consulting and so she feels like she needs to get an MBA from a top-flight business school in order to do the kind of work she enjoys. Her answer disappointed the hell out of me. It made me realize that her outward appearance and presentation is really just a sham. In the end, those brightly colored pants and funny stories are simply a way to cover up the fact that she is as bland and unoriginal as all the other yuppies that share her upper middle class Montgomery County roots.

Okay, I feel a little bad in saying that. I do like her, but I can't help the fact that her decision saddens me.

I Feel Old

Yeah, because I look old these days. I just had my 33rd birthday, which isn't all that old considering my likely lifespan. But, I seem to be getting much, much grayer these days. Enough so that people have noticed. I've let my hair grow a bit, so that has accentuated the gray. But still...I can't help but wonder where the 18 year old version of me went.

As an aside, my wife made me an amazing carrot cake. Hot damn. I celebrated my birthday by eating a full quarter of the cake, although I didn't do it in one shot. I had to go back to that cake later in the evening as I still had the taste in my mouth. I just couldn't resist nibbling at it until I had finished the quarter. I'm glad we gave some away or else I'd have eaten a lot more on the following night.

What is Consciousness?

I don't have the answer, but I have had an idea that isn't entirely worked out. The basic concept is that consciousness is a physical property of matter, much like magnetism. It isn't a property like mass or hardness or anything like that, but it a measure of the effect of a field on the material. So, consciousness is a universal field that permeates space, just like gravity and electromagnetism. The reason that we are "conscious" is based on our ability to react to this field, so our sense of having consciousness is simply a measure of our ability to react more strongly to the field. Just like gravity has differing impacts or effects on us based on where we are, on Earth or in the middle of space as an example, so too does consciousness have differing effects or impacts on matter. And just like iron shavings are more magnetic than sawdust, we are more conscious than a sunflower. Of course, this could get weird since gravity is, at least based on current theory, not so much a field as it is the transmission of particles known as gravitons. So, the fields I mention are really called forces which are applied at varying strengths based on the effects of subatomic particles. I guess consciousness could operate in this fashion, but this is really the point at which my idea begins to break down.

I also have some ideas about what it is that makes us more conscious as opposed to other objects or things. I think that it could partly be related to our chemical composition. There are many different elements resident in the human body - in fact, there is no human body without them. We are largely carbon, but we also have copper and iron and oxygen and selenium and sodium and potassium...the list is endless...all running through us and essential for what we know as life. I think it is possible that the concentration of one of these elements or maybe the concentration of some compounds based on these elements may be the substance that resides within us that is largely sensitive to the conscious field of the universe. If I had to place a bet, I'd say the most important element for consciousness is carbon, but that seems like a pretty obvious choice. They don't say "carbon-based lifeform" for nothing, you know.

But there is some very interesting research that has been done that suggests that consciousness is the result of the brain's function as a quantum computer. This computing happens within the microtubules, which are protein structures within our cells. These structures are not made up of lots of carbon, so maybe I am totally wrong about the element idea above. The theory that focuses on microtubules, the Orch OR theory, makes some very interesting assertions that go beyond simply suggesting that consciousness arises at the level of synaptic activity. By claiming that consciousness is built on quantum computation, it opens the door to the brain being able to assess all probabilities of any possible outcome. At the quantum level, this has nothing to do with things like seeing the future or weird ESP-like behavior. However, there have been some odd results from experimentation that suggests that the brain does somehow pick up information about the future, even when it doesn't use that information to make a "better" decision.

Whew. I almost got all New Agey for a minute there.

I think about this a lot, partly because I am fascinated by physics and how much it relates to everyday existence. But also because of two things that I firmly believe: that there is no God of any kind, but that we are something more than simply matter moving through spacetime. So, if we are more than directionless matter or perceive ourselves to be more than that and there is no divine presence, what is it that makes us all feel like we are connected to something greater? What is it that gives us a mind in the first place?

As an aside, I also often think about the idea of order in the universe and why it would exist. Order is often referenced to suggest intelligent design and a creator and all that stuff. But, I don't think any of that is needed for order to arise in a complex system. And, I think that is a different post.