Wednesday, June 13, 2007

Momentary Depressions

I want to write something, but I don't know where to start or how to put this into writing. I feel like there is nobody to talk to about Eva other than Audrey. And, I fear that if I always go back to her with these thoughts, I'll just make her feel as bad as I do sometimes.

In any case, today has been one of those days when I just feel rolled over by everything that has happened. I just don't want to do anything at all other than sink into a dark corner and close my eyes. I don't know how the hell I'm even functioning some days. I can put all this stuff out of my head and go on with the daily effort of modern life, but my heart just checks out and I'm like an emotionless robot. I just sit and click on a keyboard, sending out emails and looking at numbers in spreadsheets. But, the drone of work is sometimes just not loud enough to choke out the thoughts in my head.

I keep asking myself questions that I already know the answers to or that have no answers at all. I feel like the likely outcome of these exercises is either suicide, alcoholism, or a lifetime of reserved pain.

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