YMCA Loudon County Leesburg 20K

So, this race established a PR for me since I've never run a 20K and this is the only one in the area that I am aware of. I don't know that I'll run this race again, so this performance will stand on its own for a long time.

I find it funny that they always suggest that there will be long lines for packet pick-up the day of the race because I never have any problem at all. Every time I've done it, I've never had to wait behind more than 2 or 3 people. And, I've never not been able to grab a t-shirt in my size. I'd like to pick my stuff up in advance, but driving out to a running store in rush hour traffic on a Friday seems like a big waste of time since I can just get everything the morning of the event. In any case, I say this because I left my house early to get out to Leesburg so that I could grab my packet and not have to wait too long in a big line. Traffic was light, parking was easy, and I was back at the car, sipping my coffee, within five minutes or so.

The crowd was larger than I expected, although I didn't read up on the race and can't say my expectations were in line with reality. A 20K race in Leesburg at 7:30AM in August doesn't sound like an attractive event to me. Of course, I did it. The crowds were not all there for the 20K, though. They run a 10K as well and about half of the runners were doing that instead. And, the folks who ran the 10K were clearly smarter than me. They finished in time to get bananas and to eat the ice cream before it got gotten all runny. That's right. They had ice cream, among other things, as a post race snack. I like the idea, but I don't want freaking ice cream at 9:30AM. I definitely don't want runny ice cream and soggy chocolate wafers that I get to peel out of wet paper. So, I avoided that stuff when I was finished. I did have plenty of water and all that and I drank a Harris Teeter Diet Coke which tasted like carbonated toilet water. Wow, that was some seriously horrible soda.

I felt kind of funny before the race. Funny in a "I have to take a dump, but it might not come out" type of way. So, I stood in line for the PortaJohn with the hope of dealing with it. And, I thought I had. I mean, I certainly felt better afterwards, but it turned out that I was quite done. In any case, I jogged down the block and back as a warmup and elbowed my way through the crowd to a spot in the corral. The race started on time, but they had a water station right before the starting line. So, I stopped and had a cup of water before crossing the mat. I felt a little thirsty and figured it might help out. Then, I was off. We ran a for a short bit through downtown Leesburg, making a circle in some shopping center parking lot, and then headed out on the W&OD trail for the rest of the race. The W&OD trail was pretty cool, for the most part. Heavily shaded, which was really welcome, and I've never run it before, so it was nice to get the chance. It quickly veered off into what seemed like a much more rural area with older homes and farms (or what seemed like farms from what I could tell).

Like all races, the crowd was pretty thick for the first mile or two and I had to do a lot of moving around to get passed the slower runners. I prefer running close to a small group and am always relieved when I reach the point in a race that the crowds have thinned out. I stuck with a general pack for a while on the trail. I'd gain a little on one person, they'd pull away. Someone would come up close and then fall back. I think I was about 100 meters behind the same guy for almost 10 miles of the race. The course seemed like a slow uphill climb for most of the first half. There was a short and fast downhill segment that was just a tease. I ran a little too hard on the downhill and immediately regretted it as I then had to continue my climb until we hit the turnaround. But, the nice thing is that the majority of the return trip was downhill. So, I dropped ten seconds per mile from my pace on the way back, going from what looked like a 7:5x/mi to the eventual 7:42/mi I ran. Around mile 4 or so, I felt like I really had to pee. And, I also felt the beginning warning signs of diarrhea. Now, I wasn't too worried about that since I often get some sort of a cramp that feels like that during a race. And, it wasn't bad enough to concern me. So, I kept running...and the general sensations got worse. And worse. I actually ran off on a side trail to take a leak, but I didn't do a thing about the diarrhea. The cramps got worse and I started to think that I might actually experience the thing I had always joked about: crapping yourself during a run. From mile 8 to mile 12 was basically a race against the poop; a delicate balancing act between running as fast as I could so I could get to the bathroom, but not running so fast that I lost control. it got close, but I made it across the finish without an incident and quickly got that chip off my shoe. From there, I grabbed a bottle of water and carefully made my way back to the PortaJohns to handle my business. Or, maybe, the business handled me. In any case, it was quite a racket and one of those times when you really wish you had a place to wash your hands appropriately.

I used my Garmin during the race. Now, I may have started it too early or something, but it kept hitting the mile marks almost a tenth of a mile before I actually past the marker on the race route. In the end, the Garmin had a few extra tenths of a mile on my overall distance and have me running a pace that was two seconds faster than recorded by the chip. So, I don't know which system is more accurate, but I am not happy about that large a difference. There isn't much I can do about other than to assume that the numbers I see during my training are not quite what I will see during a race. If I run a test 5K in 21:50, maybe I should assume I will run a real 5K in 21:55 or 22:00.

On the way back to the car, some volunteers were just handing out the extra t-shirts. I guess they would rather give them away then keep them and try to sell them for cheap. In any case, I am grateful to have picked up a second t-shirt. Since they were technical shirts, I'm now stocked on tops for running until the temps really drop. I just wish someone would give out shorts or running pants or something like that. I don't have enough of either of those. Hell, I'd take a hat or some socks once in a while too. Of course, corporate logos on socks wouldn't really work out.

Overall, it was a nice enough race, but not so nice or enjoyable that I would be compelled to drive out to Leesburg at 6AM on a Sunday to do it again. Although, to be fair, nicer weather and less gastric distress would have made the whole thing much more pleasant and might have changed my mind.

YMCA Loudon County Leesburg 20K Bib # 563
Leesburg, VA
August 12, 7:30 am

Time: 1:35:40
Gender Place: 119/385
Overall Place: 153/672
Pace: 7:42

No Closer to a Goal

So, at least this week, I've had little success in getting my ass to bed at a normal time, at getting up easily, and at making it out the door for a run. Nothing at all. When I want to get things back on track and I don't, I just feel like a jerkoff. I'm not really impacting anyone other than myself, but it does make me a bit grumpy. I'm not depressed, but I feel shitty about myself today.

I think I am going to take off early and head home for a run before dinner. I need to do something to get started and I'll feel a whole lot better if I know that I can still run 35-40 miles this week. Ugh. 35-40 miles is depressing as well. I had a few weeks above 50 miles, but I've completely crashed. And, with a few races coming and the need to schedule my surgery, I don't know if I'll break the 60 mile mark any time soon.

An Absurd Comparison

It occurred to me last night that the box of Eva's medical records is much bigger than the box of her remains. 1100 pages of paper compared to maybe an ounce or more of ash. And while that seems like an infinitely cruel reminder of what happened, the ratio gives me some hope that her brief life was not simply a useless exercise. Those records bear witness to that.

I'm a Flip Flopper

So, I think I'll start posting again...for now. (Sidelong glances) People might be reading this. And, if I am going to post on other people's blogs, which I am doing with increasing frequency these days, it seems rather unfair to not share and update my own blog.

What I am moved to share tonight is that I have developed some rather bad habits this year and I'm having a great deal of difficulty in ridding myself of them. First, my sleep pattern is completely absurd and entirely untenable given my work and home life. I cannot stay up until midnight or later every night and still get up in the morning before 7AM. Okay, I can do it, but I won't feel rested and I certainly won't have lots of success in getting up earlier than that so I can fit in a run most days. I've always been a bit of a night person, but my pattern has been exaggerated ever since Audrey's stay in the hospital. I had to stay up late every night just to get everything done, but there is no real reason to do it now. Well, except for one, which leads me to my next bad habit.

My diet it also completely out of whack. I had very good control over what I ate last year and only really added a lot of carbohydrates to provide the energy I needed to train for a marathon. I gained a bit of weight after the marathon, in large part due to the fact that I couldn't run much in November. It just took the entire month to recover. By December, I didn't have the weekly mileage to really handle the holiday season's eatings and I had gained some pounds. But, again, when Audrey entered the hospital, I had the freedom to get very restrictive with what I ate and I was able to get down to below 170lbs early this year. My diet was pretty silly, though. I only ate a Balance Bar during the day, followed that up with a light dinner, and then had a big ass bowl of ice cream after Noah was asleep. Not the best way to go, I imagine. And, it didn't get any better after the twins were born. In fact, one of my reactions to the stress of the situation was to basically stop eating. I continued to lose weight, getting down to about 163lbs or so. I felt like crap, of course. I had nausea and dizzy spells, but I just didn't want to eat anything. It was easier to just drink some diet coke or a big coffee and to chew gum all day. After Eva passed away, I started to eat more normally, at least in terms of having normal meals and eating a healthy amount each day. But, my weird nighttime snacking became more exaggerated. And, in an effort to basically mask this snacking, I've continued to stay up until everyone else in the house is asleep so I can eat and not feel as guilty about it. By writing this now, I am outing myself and will hopefully have to deal with what I am doing in a more direct fashion with my wife.

In any case, so I don't sleep and I eat loads of crap at night. And I say that I want to run 60+ mpw or more and that I want to qualify for Boston and all that. But the two things don't mix and I've got to get control or I won't achieve my running goals. I'm just not sure how to start. Wait...maybe wrapping up this post and going to bed would be good. G'night.

Calling it Quits

Since nobody reads this, this post almost doesn't matter. Sometimes when I am online, I surf around other blogs and read other people's posts. Just personal blogs and all. I always come away thinking that most of these folks are amazingly self-obsessed. By nature, blogging is a me-me-me kind of thing and the posts from most of these bloggers are really just a lot of crap. Mountains of posts filled with banal ramblings of mediocre minds. People deluding themselves with New Age garbage and self-help claptrap. Adults typing lies into their laptops and posting them to the web as if the process somehow makes the misaligned hopes and dreams become reality. Some blogs are really amazing, of course. The few who are self-aware and who have the intellect, skill, and reason to craft each post in much the same way they might approach a journalistic effort or writing a novel even. The blogosphere is populated with some very interesting people writing interesting things - new perspectives and insights on life and its varied pursuits. But, the majority? Fucking bumbling idiots.

So, in realizing yet again how stupid most of the blogs are and how my own blog really isn't much better, I am considering a shutdown. Nobody is really reading this, so maybe my own selfish drivel should continue for its own selfish sake. Or, maybe I should just write it in my notebook and keep it to myself. Maybe a movement to not blog will spread and many of these people will simply stop chattering about themselves and their pathetic existences. They can go back to irritating their neighbors and relatives instead.

First Phase of Speed Work

I think I've completed my first full cycle of speedwork. I did hill repeats, 200s, and 400s, alternating the workouts each week for three months now. I tried to do fartlek and tempo runs on the weekends, but I didn't always follow a real plan when it came to those runs. Nevertheless, I think I definitely got some benefit out of all of this. I now need to determine what the best course of action for the rest of this year and the early part of next year is. I found a pretty rigorous 30 week plan that should get me in great shape for the National Marathon, but I'd need to get started on that in a few weeks. Before I do that, I'd like to run a few races to gauge my current capability. I've got a 20K lined up for August and a 5K in September, but I'm not really targeting those in my training other than hoping to get PRs in both. I've run 200 meters in 40 seconds, and 400 meters in 1:30. I'd like to drop those times across the board and I'd like to start including 800s in my speed workouts. I seem to have a tendency to run the second half of a repeat faster than the first part. I do the same thing for many of my runs, although I usually flip that behavior for longer distances. So, for example, when I do 6 or 8 miles, the return trip is usually faster. However, if I run a half marathon or more, the second half is almost always slower. This probably means I need more long distance training, which is something I haven't done much of this summer.

I need to do a race soon. I'm getting antsy not having a recent performance to determine where I'm at in my training. I might run one of the cheap and no-frills 5ks that the running clubs around here hold. $5 or something, no shirt, no ChampionChip timing. But, it will give me competition and provide a good opportunity to just run my ass off for 20 minutes.

I know almost nobody reads these posts, but I don't care. Nobody wants to hear me talk about running, so this is all I've got.

Fantasizing about the Future

I recently read about a woman who turned herself into an Olympic-caliber marathon runner. She wasn't a runner, then ran her first marathon around a 3:45, and then spent the next year training like mad. She dropped an entire hour from her marathon time, getting herself in under the cutoff to qualify for the Olympic marathon trials.

To me, this is simply amazing. To shave an hour off in one year seems absurd. I can't even begin to imagine how she did it other than with massive amounts of motivation and commitment. I can't help but wonder, though, if I'd be able to do something similar. Even if it took two or three years, I wonder if it is possible. I wonder if I have the basic goods in my genetic makeup to turn my body into an Olympic marathon machine. The cutoff for men is 2:22 for Grade "B", so I have serious doubts I'd be able to make it. That would represent cutting an hour and twenty minutes from my current marathon time. I think I'll cut off close to 30 minutes by the time I run another marathon, but I can't be certain about that. And, even if I did, how the heck would I cut the next 50 minutes from my performance?


I'm not sure how much more effort above what I'm putting in now would be required to do something like this. I'm running, or trying to run, six days a week and I'm trying to get to a point where I consistently run 50+ mpw. But, since cracking the 50 mile mark, I've been in a tailspin with my training plans. I crashed and burned for 5 straight days because I just couldn't get my tired ass out of bed. With the extra rest, I did have an awesome track workout this past Saturday, though. But, I followed that up by blowing off my long run on Sunday morning. I made it out for a decent six miles yesterday, but again couldn't get up this morning for my run.

Race Registration

Well, I screwed up a bit and ended up missing the 5K/10K season for the first half of the year. I did one race, but wanted a few more to gauge improvement and I just never registered for any. That just means I'll have to uncork a whopper of a performance on 9/16. That day is the PVI Runfest 5k, a local race billed as the fastest 5K around. I plan on finding out. I'm not sure if it is possible, but I may as well set the bar high for myself - I want to break 21 minutes in a 5K. That would be around a 6:45/mi pace. Wish me luck.

Obsessed with Death

Since Eva's death, I find myself spending inordinate amounts of time thinking about the deaths of other people who are important to me. When I'm in the car or running, times when I am all alone, I can't help but think about my wife and children dying. I think about getting a call from the police because they were in a horrible car accident or of watching my son get hit by a car. During my run this morning, I began to think about the possibility that I would come home to find my son lying dead in his bed. He had a bug bite on his foot yesterday and he had some trouble sleeping last night, so I put the two together and wondered if he hadn't been bit by some poisonous spider or something. I told myself it was a ridiculous thought, but it was there in my head all the same. Needless to say, I was very relieved to hear his breathing the moment I walked into his room.

I think about finding out, I think about how I would feel, I think about what I would have to do. And, I think a lot about how I would move on or not. I don't know what value would be left to my life if something like this happened and I have a very hard time thinking there would be much point in living afterward. Should I just kill myself immediately or wait until I've given them all a proper memorial?

I guess I mostly seem to think about losing all of them. Less than that and it is easy to figure out what to do because there is someone to live for; a reason to go on. It is as if I am trying to figure out what scenarios exist in which it is okay for me to just kill myself, as if I don't really want to be here at all at this point and only stick around due to my responsibilities. I don't think that is true, but I don't know much anymore. I did begin to think that I could find new meaning in my life if I was to do something like run or bike across the country. I don't know if there would be a point, per se, other than to have something to do and to keep me focused on a goal in the future. Thinking about reaching the end of a trip like that might be enough to keep my mind off of the fact that the rest of my would be spent without my family.

iPhone?

iDon'tGiveAShit

Running Update

I haven't run in three days. I've felt crappy each morning and let myself just go back to sleep instead of getting up for a workout. I need to get back to running, though, since I think it might actually make me feel better. I've just some summer cold. It just comes on strong in the evening, wearing me out, and leaves me feeling groggy and exhausted each morning.

I won't hit my goal of a 50+ mile week before the end of June, but I can still try and crank one out next week. This stretch of rest days might actually be a good thing for me in the end. Let the aches and pains go away, get some more sleep, and kick this cold. Then, I can begin the climb to a 65 mile week or more.

Experimentation with Whole Grains

For a long time, I wasn't eating very much in the way of carbohydrates. It was an attempt to lose weight and it worked, particularly coupled with a reduction in fat consumption and increased exercise. But, then, I got into running. And, you just can't run a lot without carbs. You can jog and you can probably do a decent amount of mileage, but you can't rack up the miles on a weekly basis if you don't eat enough fuel in the form of carbohydrates. I learned this in a rather uncontrolled manner last year. As I trained for a marathon, I found that I just couldn't stop eating. I had cravings every night, particularly for sweets like cookies and cake. And, I ate it all. This has never really stopped, although I am slowly trying to shift my carb intake to healthier carbs as much as possible. Hence, this post about whole grains. I am not that crazy about eating rice or pasta, but those are good foundations for lots of meals. And, my wife and son like them both. So, I can't avoid them. But, as a family, we can avoid refined sugars and overly processed wheat and still get plenty of carbs and plenty of flavor by buying and cooking whole grain. So, we've started experimenting and trying out some recipes. So far, we've had quinoa, wheatberry, and some crazy seven grain pilaf thing. I guess it had lots of different things including wheatberry, bulger, and a few others. Of those that we've eaten so far, I have been very pleased.

Quinoa - strange looking and needs a bit of prep in that you have to soak it. But, it has a very nice texture, works well with a variety of flavors, and can be used in a lot of dishes. It is similar to couscous, in my opinion.

Wheatberry - very tasty, but not as accessible as some other grains. Hard outer coat and I'm afraid of what would happen if we cooked it too long. It is cheap, though. And, it does have a nice texture that can provide a good complement to some kinds of food.

Buckwheat - we've eaten buckwheat as part of a kasha dish. Kasha Varnishkas is wonderful, but I don't know what else we'd do with buckwheat. I like the funky shape of the grain and the fact that it is chewy. All it really needs is a bit of onion and some salt and it can be very enjoyable.

Bulger - have had this in some traditional stuff, but we haven't cooked with it yet. It is sitting on the shelf waiting for its moment to shine.

Spelt - we've never tried this one, but I just picked up a box today. It looks a lot like wheatberry.

I'll add more notes as we continue down this road.

Best Interview Ever

This is an email from back in March 2005. I wrote it right after this happened...

I've been looking for a new job lately. My current employer is being acquired and my manager has resigned, so it is time for me to move on. And, for those who are wondering, this will constitute the sixth job I’ve had since college, none lasting more than 30 months.

I had an interview this morning that lasted for over four hours. I assume that it will turn out to be positive, but I honestly don’t know. The setup for the interview is that I’ve got one long interview in which I am going to be meeting with multiple people. First one was with a senior executive in the company and seemed to go very well. He was easy to talk to, I had relatively coherent answers to his questions, and I got the sense that he liked me. On to the next interview, this time with the executive who oversees the group I would be joining. Much older guy than I normally meet; probably in his sixties, but could just be that he drinks too much and spends a lot of time in the sun. He starts the interview by saying that the whole interview is going to be me asking him questions. I wasn’t sure if it was a sign that he is simply an overaggressive type who wants to challenge me or if he just has no idea what to ask me. I paused for a moment since I really wasn’t sure how to proceed and then I start asking him questions. First question I ask, his response is “Oh, that is a very good question…a very good question” leading me to believe that this guy just doesn’t know what to ask me. We go back and forth, me asking the questions and him responding with generalities and non-answers. He wasn’t being vague for the purpose of secrecy; I think he just couldn’t formulate a thoughtful, professional response to anything I asked him.

At one point, the tables turn and he is actually asking me the questions. I am talking a fair amount and when I finish answering what seems to be his last question to me, I ask if I can continue to interview him. He pauses and just looks at me for several seconds. His face seems pained and a little red, but it wasn’t that different than how he had looked for the majority of the interview. Then he says:

“Hmmm. I’ve gotta piss real bad.”

I say, “Okay, I’ll wait.”

He then continues to simply sit in his chair, directly across from me. I have no idea what is going on, but I keep wondering why he isn’t just getting up and going to the freaking bathroom. While I am waiting, he continues to make strange faces and look down at his crotch. Every few seconds, he grunts or moans or makes a faint noise that suggests displeasure with himself. Then he says:

“I’m sorry, dude. I pissed my pants.”

I’m dumbfounded. Be sure, this is not a joke. This shit absolutely, positively happened to me. So, this guy sits there with his wet pants on, apologizing to me about the whole deal. I suggest he use his jacket to cover himself so he can get to the bathroom with some dignity. In his attempts to deal with this situation, he says things like “It’s my prostate” and “This happened to me on an airplane once and that was really horrible”. I try to make him feel better and say “It’s cool, man. I know what its like.”

Of course, I have no fucking clue what it’s like to piss your pants in public, let alone in the workplace while conducting an interview. I’ve certainly laid some unbelievably foul farts at work, but that never stained my pants.

Then, he stands up, shows me the damage by highlighting it with his hands, takes his jacket, and goes to the bathroom. I just sit there, fumbling to try and deal with what just happened. All I can think is that my interview is shot because this dude will never be able to think of me without thinking about the fact that he wet himself. And, he can’t let me get hired because I am the only witness to this little episode.

He comes back, puts his jacket on the chair, and again shows me the wet spot, which is now larger for some reason. He sits down and we continue the interview - no lie. At the end, he again makes an apology.

To which I say “At least you’ll remember this interview.”

He then responds with “It’s not like you made me piss my pants. This had nothing to do with you.”

The end result of this encounter is that I am seated next to him in my last interview of the day, an unexpected opportunity to talk to the CEO of the company. Mr. LooseBladder, who went home to change his pants, is basically acting like my best friend in front of the CEO, patting me on the back, praising my interview with him, and all sorts of extra friendly behavior. He ends up escorting me out of the office, shakes my hand a number of different times, tells me I did a great job, and apologizes one last time.

I’ll let you all know what happens next if anything. If they hire me, this has to be one of the greatest coworker stories of all time. Assuming he is still there when I join them.

Mid-Week Musings

First off, the cake is damn near gone. We've eaten just about all of it and I've enjoyed every bite. I am coming around on the icing actually. I think it just needed to be more evenly mixed. Maybe a tad less cheese and a bit more sugar too. I think the kicker was leaving it in the fridge for more than day. The second piece was much better than the first.

In other news, I ran my second track workout today. I prefer these track workouts to the hill repeats. I ran 400 meters at around 7:00/mi pace and did it six times. I think the last few were more like 6:45/mi, but I'm not keeping too specific a dataset of my times yet. I did time one of the 400s and came it at 1:36. So, if I extrapolate that out conservatively, I think it would mean about a 3:20-3:25 for an 800 meter run. If the logic behind Yasso 800s is true, then I should be in shape to do a marathon at that kind of a time by the end of the summer.

I'm feeling rather sore this week, but I'm still going to crank out 47 miles before I'm finished. Then, next week is the push for crossing the 5o mile mark. I'll be ahead of last year's schedule and I'm not likely going to bother with a marathon this year. I won't be in shape to qualify for Boston this year, so I don't see the point in doing a marathon. I think I'll be better off by doing speedwork and increasing my base by a fair amount and sprinkling in races of various distances. If I can spend a few weeks at 65mpw or more, I think that will put me in great shape for a BQ attempt. I have a feeling I'll actually go higher, 70-80mpw, at some point. Maybe ramp down a bit in the winter, around holiday season or so, and then run through a hardcore training program from Pfitzinger for a marathon in the early part of 2008. I could do the Wirefly National Marathon or maybe Frederick, but it is too early to make that decision.

Carrot Cake #2

So, I have the greatest wife on the planet. In an effort to make me happy, she has embarked on a quest to make the tastiest carrot cake I've ever eaten. This requires making these cakes until she hits the mark, so I get to eat lots of good cakes on the road to the best cake ever. Pretty sweet deal for me, no pun intended.

Today was Father's Day and the second attempt at a carrot cake. It was the first true attempt from scratch, but we did recently eat a mediocre cake from a box mix that had homemade icing on it. That icing was weird and it was my fault because I bought low fat cream cheese for the icing and it just came out too smooth and soft. In any case, today's cake was entirely homemade and was very, very nice. The taste of the cake itself was right on the money, but we agreed that it might have been a bit too chunky. I think it needs a bit less in the way of nuts and they should be chopped a bit finer, but Audrey thinks it might need more shredded coconut. With some minor tweaks, the cake will be absolutely perfect. The icing still doesn't seem right to me. This was closer, but I still feel like the sourness of the cream cheese is too strong and we both agreed that the texture wasn't right. Good carrot cake icing should be thicker and not as smooth, I think.

So, these are just my tasting notes on this cake. I'll be providing reviews of every cake from now until the end of this process, at which point I will be too busy eating cake to bother typing.

Unofficial 5K PR!

So, I was hoping to do a local 5k this past Saturday morning. A low key race that I could just register for the day of the race, so I wasn't committed ahead of time. But, I still wanted to do it. However, life sometimes has other plans and I didn't make it. Noah came home early from school on Friday with a fever and was still dealing with the effects the next day. In fact, he got up at 5:30AM and asked me to hang out with him in the family room watching TV. I tried to get him to go back to bed, but to no avail, so we headed downstairs to watch. I thought I might have an outside chance of still making it to the race, but he was clearly feeling needy and I didn't want him to get upset, which would no doubt have happened if I had left the house. In any case, I tried to catch up on sleep on the couch. Later that day, when he had finally gone down for his nap, I was able to fit a run in. My initial goal was to just run 6 miles or so at a decent pace. I wanted to run around 7:30/mi since that is about where I should be for a tempo run, I believe. But, a funny thing happened. I could tell that I had speed in my legs, so I just let it rip. I started off at 7:30/mi, but I get inching up the pace as I ran. When I realized I had a good shot at running a personal best for a 5K, I figured I should just go for it and I did. So, without a race course or any competition, I destroyed my own record in a 5K. My previous time in a 5K was 25:24, but I've now done that distance in 21:50, which is a 7:04/mi pace. This is huge for me and a great sign that my speedwork this year is working. I then took it easy for the last 3 miles and jogged on home, a big grin across my face.

Now, I've only run one 5K before and it was the first race I ever ran. And, I had only been running for a few months when I did it, so it makes sense that I would have made some real improvement. Nevertheless, I didn't think I had improved this much yet. With some more speedwork, some actual rest, and real race conditions, I think I can do a 5K in sub 7:00/mi pace. This also means that I've got the speed to do a sub 3:30 marathon (around 3:27), assuming I do the appropriate distance training. That gets me much closer to my goal of qualifying for Boston, but I still need more speed for a 3:10.

Momentary Depressions

I want to write something, but I don't know where to start or how to put this into writing. I feel like there is nobody to talk to about Eva other than Audrey. And, I fear that if I always go back to her with these thoughts, I'll just make her feel as bad as I do sometimes.

In any case, today has been one of those days when I just feel rolled over by everything that has happened. I just don't want to do anything at all other than sink into a dark corner and close my eyes. I don't know how the hell I'm even functioning some days. I can put all this stuff out of my head and go on with the daily effort of modern life, but my heart just checks out and I'm like an emotionless robot. I just sit and click on a keyboard, sending out emails and looking at numbers in spreadsheets. But, the drone of work is sometimes just not loud enough to choke out the thoughts in my head.

I keep asking myself questions that I already know the answers to or that have no answers at all. I feel like the likely outcome of these exercises is either suicide, alcoholism, or a lifetime of reserved pain.

Greatest Thing I Ever Heard...Ever

This morning, I took Noah to preschool. He wanted me to carry him as we walked across the parking lot, so I picked him up and told him that he would soon be too big to carry him. He said that someday he'd be so big that he would carry me. And then he said this:

"Daddy, I want to be you when I grow up"

Jesus Christ. I don't think anyone has ever said anything to me that felt like that did. I can't imagine there is a combination of words that a father would rather hear than that. From the mouth of my own three year old son...I still can't hardly believe it.

They Say it Takes Two Years

On average, anyways, to get over the loss of a child. I don't know, man. I feel alright for a bit and then I have a patch where I miss Eva like hell. For some reason, the past few days have found me thinking of her more often. I started to get rather upset during a run the other day and had to push the emotions off so I could finish. I found myself almost crying in the car today, something that hasn't happened since the first few weeks after her death.

Maybe it is because I officially requested the final autopsy report last week. Maybe it is because we have such joy with Noah and Naomi that I can't help and feel the loss and the sting of her passing.

It still feels avoidable. I still can't quite believe this has happened. I still feel like I should be going to the hospital every day.

Back to Racing - Battle of the Boulevard 10K

I ran my first race in months this past weekend. I hadn't considered any races up until recently and finally registered and made it to my first one since last year's marathon. I wasn't sure what to expect, but I had at least hoped I had made some slight improvement. My last 10K was about a year ago and I ran it in 7:47/mi pace. I ran the Army Ten Miler in 7:40/mi pace. So, I figured I could do at least 7:40/mi, if not faster. I ran through the winter, albeit with no real goal pushing me, and I only had a layoff of a few weeks due to my back injury. So, I didn't think I'd have really lost much fitness. In any case, I may not quite be where I thought I was.

I ran the first ever Battle of the Boulevard 10K this past Saturday. It was organized by a local running store, Pacers, and was tied to some sort of Arlington-centric festival. It was probably a cool event, but I wasn't interested in hanging around much. Besides, Jon and I were running it and it was his birthday and all, so we had more exciting things to do. Uh, or less exciting, depending on how you look at it. It was his birthday after all...Happy Birthday, Jon!

I had hoped to use the Metro to get to the race since the start/finish line was right near Clarendon Metro. But, I got up late and was concerned that I'd get screwed by waiting around for the subway. So, I drove, which turned out to be a good decision. First, it meant I could stop and get a small cup of coffee and actually drink it on the way to the race, something I couldn't have done on Metro. And, parking was really easy. Jon had found a lot that had free parking that morning and was just two or three blocks from the race. I met Jon in the parking lot and we just hung around until the race started. The crowd seemed very feminine - that is, there seemed like a whole lot of women were going to be running this race. My sense is that the ratio is usually pretty even and it may have been, but it felt like things were way out of whack. I think that the male-female ration in Arlington is probably not that even, so maybe it is just because of that. So, Jon and I stood around and stared at women while I pointed out some of the more "famous" local runners in the crowd, like Max Lockwood and Dane Rauschenberg. I guess I am becoming a bit of a running fan, so to speak, and like following the exploits of the local runners who are way better than me.

It seemed rather warm. Okay, it was rather warm, certainly for 8AM and definitely for a 10K. I don't know what the official temp was at the start of the race, but it was hot and humid and I sweat a heck of a lot. The weather was the first sign that this wouldn't be the best race performance for me. The other sign was the topography of the race. Starting in Clarendon and racing into Rosslyn and then down 110 means mostly going downhill, particularly the first mile and a half or so. I know I went out fast, but I tried to take advantage of gravity and let myself get pulled down the hills a bit. I any case, I held my speed for the most part on the flat section and well past the turn around. On my way back, I saw Jon and we high-fived. Not long after that, I passed a particularly sweaty and gangly co-worker of mine. I didn't notice her at all, but she called my name as I ran right past her. I said hi, wished her good luck, and kept going. Coming back into Rosslyn, I think I was still averaging a 7:30/mi pace. I felt good, but I knew that the climb back to Clarendon was coming and that it would be very hard to keep that pace. Yeah, it was hard alright. It was like climbing stairs and I felt like I was sucking wind. I knew I was slowing down so I didn't even bother to look at my Forerunner...I didn't want to know how bad it was getting.

The hill leveled off and I ran as hard as I could past the Whole Fields, Whitlows, and up to the finish line. I felt good, but wiped out. I grabbed a bunch of bottles of water and hung around the finish waiting for Jon. After Jon rolled in, we poked around the festival area a bit since I thought I had heard that they posted the times for the first 1000 runners, but we couldn't find it anywhere. So, sweaty and warm, we headed back to my house for a bit of birthday brunch in Jon's honor.

My performance was pretty disappointing overall. Having run a sub-8 minute pace in a 10K last year and a sub-8 minute pace in a 10 miler as well, I figured I would definitely run a sub-8 pace for this race as well. I was hoping for a 7:30/mi pace, but missed that by a fair amount. Admittedly, my training hasn't been as hard the past few months, but I still didn't think I had lost much. I am now doing some speedwork and will be giving it another shot in either a 5K or 10K soon. 7:30/mi or bust!

Battle of the Boulevard Bib # 4725
Arlington, VA
May 12, 8:30 am

Time: 48:45
Overall Place: 242/1314
Pace: 8:03